so they tell me….

My friends all tell me I should write a book. 

Perhaps some day I will. 

What am I doing tonight? Im going to a strip club to watch some dudes take off their clothes. 

Why is this important? 

Because I am terrified of male strippers. I think bulges are gross. Dont get me wrong… i LOVE men. I just…. have no desire to have a dingaling bounced on my forehead.

My aversion to the bulge started at a young age. My mom would work out along with the guy on TV… and even then, it creeped me out. more than once, my mother has recounted the story of me insisting that the tv be turned off because “mom, i dont like that man’s pants”

and now, as a 31 year old woman… i still dont like them. My husband (soon to be ex) would try to be sexy and dance on the table, pretending to strip for me… and even THAT grossed me out. 

bless his heart. 

so no. i didnt see magic mike, and no… i am not looking forward to my evening. 

im taking a book.

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you never call a crazy person crazy.

well, its been a long time since i have blogged because there has been a lot going on. 

my husband has SEVERELY pissed me off. (i was ready to divorce him already in our 7 month marriage- for being a douche) but more on that later. 

im in too good a mood right now to talk about upsetting things. 

I have my children for the next 2 weeks. and i have them at the beach. i. am. in. heaven. 

aside from the behavior problems.

dude, my kids are so funny. they are sarcastic assholes just like me.

today i told my daughter to wrap a towel around her butt so we could walk back to the truck from the beach… she (6 yrs old) looked at me dead faced and said ” how did you know i have a butt?” i told her everyone has a butt…       [at this point the guy near us on the beach is peeing on himself laughing]  so she proceeds to ask everyone we pass on the way back to the car if they have a butt. 

this little girl loves to fart…. i KNOW she knows everyone has a butt…. i really just think she was trying to embarrass me… was funny though

more to follow involving cat poop, spaceballs, and who knows what else… today was just the first day!!!!!!

 

endless pleasure

so i hear this crazy hum… for like an hour…i thought it was like a speaker hum sound ?  but then i turned off the speakers and the sound was still there…

i looked for like 30 minutes…

finally i walk into my bedroom….

my vibrator is going FULL BLAST spinning around like a freaking pinwheel.

that thing is a champ.

still worked this morning too.

ha!

it keeps going, and going, and going…

The end is neigh? (nigh?)

apocalypse prep

OK, so i dont know how the heck to spell that word (nie?) neigh … looks to me like the sound a horse makes.

but whatever.

so all of this face eating and high heat has me a little worried… im fairly certain things are going to be changing soon…. and while i realize that zombies are not likely…. SOMETHING  is going to happen.

when things change, people go nuts… everyone knows that.  stupid people= riots… and general mayhem.

and yes, we will adapt and overcome, but the process of adaption… is possibly going to be painful.

so.

this blog will be dedicated to things you can do (and that i need to do) to prepare for the worst.

and while i realize it seems a little paranoid… its not going to hurt anything… it will just make me that much more awesome.

most of it is just going to…

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nothing and movies

my life is so boring right now i literally have nothing to write about…. 

unless you would like to read movie reviews of the 90 million movies ive watched recently… 

some good ones, some bad ones

lets see… 

A Perfect Host- BIZARRE but really good. super duper surprising. like, will totally throw you for a loop. at least twice. i dont want to spoil it by saying too much. but the actor who was in frazier that was the main charachter…. really good role for him. really really. highly recommend.

Solitary- I was irritated throughout the movie and disappointed at the end of it… but it was intriguing enough to where i wanted to know how it ended… i just was not thrilled. coulda been so much better. 

Interview with a vampire- yeah, shut up, i had never seen it. Brad pitt was just beautiful… and i fail to see how we didnt realize what a douche tom cruise was a long time ago. i cant look at him without getting pissed off… 

The speed of thought- slightly predictable. not great… not awful… nothing really exceptional about it.

The Rum Diary- Very interesting movie. Do not watch unless you feel like paying attention. and the chic that looks like scarlett johansen is super hot.

Every Episode of Dr. Who- Mostly, Awesome. I started by watching Torchwood though, to get me hooked. i would recommend going that route if you are mentally anti- Dr. Who. 

If you have been living under a rock and have no idea what Dr. Who is…. time travel and aliens… its wonderful for nerds 🙂 and just the right amount of love story. 

Ok… well… im off to watch the Black Dalia

who are you and what have you done with the jerk i divorced?

So, My ex husband’s wife HATES me. 

no surprise there… i guess thats fairly standard.

I had always assumed the tension (anger, frustration, custody drama) between me and my ex was because of her… but tonight i got what i consider to be tangible proof. 

She and all of the kids are out of town, leaving my husband home alone for the first time in years. Now to be clear, we are both remarried, we have no romantic interest in eachother whatsoever. but we WERE best friends for years. so talking to him like a stranger, it hurts.

He called me tonight to talk about when im going to pick up the kids for my visit with them. and we TALKED for 45 minutes! about stupid shit. about his job and my lack of job, and the kids, and his truck, and just a normal frikkin conversation. 

Its sad that this makes me happy. I guess after years of drama, its nice not to have to take a Xanax after i get off the phone with him because im so stressed out…. 

my mom says he is trying to lull me into a false sense of security so he can pull some asshat move. 

who knows. 

i still got my game face on… but at least  i am xanax free at the moment.