who are you and what have you done with the jerk i divorced?

So, My ex husband’s wife HATES me. 

no surprise there… i guess thats fairly standard.

I had always assumed the tension (anger, frustration, custody drama) between me and my ex was because of her… but tonight i got what i consider to be tangible proof. 

She and all of the kids are out of town, leaving my husband home alone for the first time in years. Now to be clear, we are both remarried, we have no romantic interest in eachother whatsoever. but we WERE best friends for years. so talking to him like a stranger, it hurts.

He called me tonight to talk about when im going to pick up the kids for my visit with them. and we TALKED for 45 minutes! about stupid shit. about his job and my lack of job, and the kids, and his truck, and just a normal frikkin conversation. 

Its sad that this makes me happy. I guess after years of drama, its nice not to have to take a Xanax after i get off the phone with him because im so stressed out…. 

my mom says he is trying to lull me into a false sense of security so he can pull some asshat move. 

who knows. 

i still got my game face on… but at least  i am xanax free at the moment. 

 

the poop story

Below you will find an old story of mine that i was reminded of tonight. it is too hilarious not to share- read to the end. its too priceless.

I should have known.  Friday afternoon should have been a warning for me. *sigh*

Friday afternoon i was in the office, talking to my best friend, and getting proposed to by her boss. you know, normal stuff… so it didnt phase me when people started talking about butt tatoos. no not butt tattoos…. buttHOLE tattoos. like, getting something tattooed on your butthole. apparently this was the theme of the afternoon as it continuously came up.

Friday passes, here is saturday. i am trying like hell to potty train my daughter, who likes to take a dump in her diaper and THEN tell me she has to poop in the potty. well… we are working on it…  i wake up, and feel overwhelmed with important things i need to do. mostly go to the grocery store…with 2 kids…thats a huge task.

so i went to the grocery store, successfully got home, fed children, and put them in their room to play for a min. while i chilled out… they had been  up there mayyyybe 20 min. and my eyes had been closed for maybe 5. and it gets very quiet… and then cj starts yelling for me to come up there…

daughter has taken off her diaper… and taken a shit in the middle of the floor in her room. no idea why.  diaper wasnt full or anything… hardly peed in. okay… fine…but not only has she done that…but she has played in it… or so it seems… there is poo smeared EVERYWHERE.

on the walls, on the shelves…in the bed, alllll over the carpet. on some toys… seriously it was everywhere. not to mention on her… mostly just feet and hands and lower legs thank god.

i put the kids in the tub and proceed to clean everything. i was too angry to spank her… i didnt want to accidentally hurt her…so i kept telling her she was in a bunch of trouble. which cj would chime in…”sister is bad…sister poop… cj not bad. cj good… sister bad…” which is just aggrivating after a min. but whatever. least of my concerns.

get them out of the tub…strip their beds… put her in the corner for the entire time that i was cleaning and made cj sit on his bed quietly the entire time i was cleaning (im not sure what…but i know he had something to do with this.) after about an hour of finding yet more and more poo…in the most random freaking places, i finish.  and tell them that they are gunna stay in their room till dinner. but they can play.

they are situated. the next little bit i dont remember…i think i just sat and stared at a wall for a second… or fixed food… or something.

somewhere in there, they ate. and argued a bunch… so i finally decided it was time for them to go to bed and went to put on a movie for them. open the dvd player to put the dvd in… THERE WAS SHIT INSIDE THE FREAKING DVD PLAYER.  i was just baffled at this point. seriously? seriously!? so i called lg over…asked her if that was poo and was it hers and was the dvd player the potty? and she answered all questions appropriately… i asked her why she put poo in the dvd player and she said because she wanted to see it on tv.

i am  now, trying very hard not to laugh… and i give her a spanking (finally) and a hug and a kiss (after she calms down) and then i clean the poo.  they layed down to watch their movie and i came downstairs and proceeded to fix myself a stiff drink.  they didnt wake up untill this morning… thank god.

i reallly hope this is not a regular occurance.

 

MURDER I SAY!

I am going to go to jail for murder when my husband gets home.

he has me running all over hell’s halfacre trying to buy a house WITHOUT A POWER OF ATTORNEY.

“honey, im going to need a power of attorney if this is going to work”- i say 2 months ago…

“why would you need a power of attorney”- he asks accusingly… as if i am going to go buy freaking disney world or something….

“nevermind.”- i drop it. like a good little wife.

fucking christ my poor realtor is up at MIDNIGHT.  on a SATURDAY.

AND NOWWWW we may not even get the house because he “might not like the closing date”

murder i say. if he survives afghanistan, he might not survive home buying with me.

*le sigh*